Severus Snape and the Sexy Hallows
by Emily92
Summary: A parody of the final Harry Potter book in which Professors Snape and McGonagall make out and Voldemort inadvertently kills himself. 'Random' hardly even starts to describe this..


**Author's Notes:** A parody of the upcoming HP book in which Snape and McGonagall make out and Voldemort inadvertently kills himself. I dunno what inspired me to write this, it's probably the worst thing I've ever written. You have been warned.

The strange things my mind can come up with...

**Disclaimer: **After reading this, you'll know that if I owned Harry Potter we'd all be in trouble. Big trouble.

* * *

**Severus Snape and the Sexy Hallows **

"Oh no!" A very distressed Minerva McGonagall wailed as she sat near the Forbidden Forrest, "Albus is dead. _Why_!?"

"Hello Minerva," Professor Snape approached her.

"Go away, you great big pile of dragon dung!!" She snarled at him angrily.

Snape cut right to the chase, "Minerva, I was wondering if you wanted to be my girlfriend."

Professor McGonagall glared at him, "I would never go out with you in a thousand years, you disgusting slime ball! You killed Albus, my one true love!"

Professor Snape smiled slyly, "I brought you flowers."

McGonagall considered the prospect. She still didn't like Snape, in fact, she hated Snape. But she so loved flowers...

"Alright," She decided, "We can go out."

"_OH EM GE_, really?" Snape asked happily.

"Don't press your luck," She warned sternly.

"I love you, Minerva!!" Snape joyously declared.

She smiled.

* * *

"Hey!" Harry Potter panted as he ran to Snape and McGonagall's spot by the forbidden forest, accompanied by Ron and Hermione, "Professor McGonagall! Have you seen You-Know-Who? I need to kill him!"

"BLOODY HELL!" Ron observed in repulsion, "SHE'S SNOGGING SNAPE!"

"Good observation, Weasley!" Snape told him, proud, "Ten points for Gryffindor!"

"Mmh, make it twenty points, Severus," Professor McGonagall said dreamily.

Hermione screamed and ran away in horror.

Harry and Ron looked at each other, then back at McGonagall and Snape, and shrugged. They had more important things to deal with, like defeating the all evil Lord Voldemort, so they followed Hermione. They had an evil wizard to kill!

* * *

The dark Lord Voldemort hiccupped. Damn, once again he had had too much butter beer. He drank the stuff so often; he wondered why the hell he didn't build up a tolerance to it. But, the fact was that he hadn't, and he was quite tipsy at the moment.

He staggered onto the Hogwarts grounds. He spotted Professors Snape and McGonagall, and headed over towards them.

"Well, if it isn't Minerva _McGonagall_," He gushed, "With Severu_s Snape_...Ooh! Kissing! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

He giggled idiotically and then hiccupped again.

"My Lord," Snape said matter-of-factly, "You've been drinking again."

"Maybe I have and maybe I haven't," Voldemort hiccupped, "But the fact is, I need to kill your girlfriend."

"Why are you going to kill me?" McGonagall asked angrily.

"I have my reasons," Lord Voldemort pulled out his wand, and hiccupped one last time, "Avada Kedavra!"

But what Lord Voldemort didn't realize was that his wand was facing the wrong way, so it pointed at him rather than McGonagall. Consequently, he inadvertently killed took his own life.

McGonagall and Snape stared in amazement at the dead Lord Voldemort.

"Well," Snape said cheerfully, "Better him than you."

* * *

Professor Dumbledore marched over to the area near the forbidden forest, where Snape was kissing McGonagall. Voldemort's remains lay of to the side, completely forgotten.

"Minnie!" He yelled, "What the hell?"

She jumped out of Snape's arms, "Albus! I thought you were dead! He killed you," she gestured at Snape.

"Nope," Professor Dumbledore explained cheerfully, "That was my brother Alberforth."

"Oh Albus," Professor McGonagall said happily, Professor Snape long forgotten, "Let's elope!"

"Yay Min!" He replied merrily.

"Hey!" Snape yelled, "What about me? I gave you flowers!"

"Sorry, Severus," Professor Dumbledore told him, "She's mine."

"Maybe you could become a dark wizard, get some followers," Professor McGonagall suggested, "Be the next He Who Must Not Be Named."

Dumbledore and McGonagall walked off, planning their happy future together.

Professor Dumbledore waved at Professor Snape and popped a lemon drop into his mouth.

"Oh...Angst! Angst! Angst!" Snape exclaimed unhappily.

* * *

Severus Snape will return in the feature film _I Loved Her: The Story of Minerva McGonagall._

* * *

_Um...review?_


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